Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site

Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site
Cover image for Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site
By Chuyn Uns

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move, the Washington Commanders have announced that their new 65,000-seat stadium, set to open in 2030, will be constructed directly atop a long-forgotten Native American burial ground.

“We really wanted to honor the history of this site,” said team spokesperson Brent Mallory, while visibly sweating through a vintage R-word throwback hoodie. “And what better way to do that than by parking a retractable-roof stadium right on top of a sacred place where dozens of tribal leaders were laid to rest with dignity and peace — until now.”

Archaeologists expressed concerns after early construction unearthed ceremonial artifacts, human remains, and a stone tablet reading “Do Not Build a $700 Million Football Temple Here,” but were quickly escorted off-site by team interns dressed as eagles. Team executives insist the location brings "great spiritual energy," though locals have reported flickering lights, blood seeping from sewer grates, and the faint sound of ghostly tomahawk chants every time the team runs a screen pass on 3rd and long.

“We’re not worried,” said Commanders owner Josh Harris. “We’re counting on the haunting to confuse opposing quarterbacks. Plus, our fans are already used to decades of cursed football. What’s one more plague?”

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