Steelers: Aaron Rodgers Requests Mike Tomlin Join Ayahuasca Vision Quest

Steelers: Aaron Rodgers Requests Mike Tomlin Join Ayahuasca Vision Quest
Cover image for Steelers: Aaron Rodgers Requests Mike Tomlin Join Ayahuasca Vision Quest
By Duke Dong

PITTSBURGH, PA — Free agent quarterback Aaron Rodgers has reportedly made a bold stipulation in ongoing negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers: head coach Mike Tomlin must complete a full ayahuasca vision quest before any deal can move forward. According to sources close to Rodgers, he "won’t step foot in Pittsburgh until Tomlin has purged his ego, met the serpent goddess, and merged his coaching spirit with the cosmos."

“I don’t want to just throw touchdowns,” Rodgers said while holding a crystal shaped like Bart Starr. “I want to align our frequencies. Mike needs to prove he can lead a huddle and also navigate the astral plane. If he can’t barf himself into spiritual rebirth, how can he manage fourth and short in Cincinnati?”

Steelers executives are reportedly “still evaluating the logistics” of sending Tomlin into the Amazon with nothing but a headlamp and a packet of lavender essential oils. While some in the front office are skeptical, others are intrigued. “If it helps us go 10–7 and beat the Ravens, I say let the man hallucinate,” said one assistant GM. “Worst case, we end up with a coach who smells like bark and only communicates in riddles. Honestly, that’s still better than Matt Canada.”

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