Trans Gorilla Insists on Fighting 100 Women in Hypothetical Match

In what zoo officials are calling “a bold statement on gender equality and also a major security concern,” Vera, a 420-pound silverback gorilla who recently came out as trans, has formally requested to fight 100 women in a sanctioned, hand-to-hand combat scenario.

“I’m tired of being boxed in by gorilla standards,” Vera signed during a press event held behind three layers of reinforced glass and one very nervous intern. “If cis male gorillas get to fight hypothetical men, I should be allowed to fight hypothetical women. Equal rights. Equal fights.”

Women’s groups have responded with swift, unanimous concern. “Look, we’re all for inclusion,” said rally spokesperson Deanna Crayton, “but in no way can we defeat a gorilla — let alone a male one pretending to be female.” Another woman added, “This isn’t about sports or politics. It’s about not getting pile-driven into bedrock by a jacked forest monster in a wig.” The match, currently under review by the UN, has been described by one observer as “an ethical minefield built on a trampoline of bad decisions.”

Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move, the Washington Commanders have announced that their new 65,000-seat stadium, set to open in 2030, will be constructed directly atop a long-forgotten Native American burial ground. “We really wanted to honor the history of this site,” said team spokesperson Brent Mallory, while visibly sweating through a vintage R-word throwback hoodie. “And what better way to do that than by parking a retractable-roof stadium right on top of a sacred place where dozens of tribal leaders were laid to rest with dignity and peace — until now.” Archaeologists expressed concerns after early construction unearthed ceremonial artifacts, human remains, and a stone tablet reading “Do Not Build a $700 Million Football Temple Here,” but were quickly escorted off-site by team interns dressed as eagles. Team executives insist the location brings "great spiritual energy," though locals have reported flickering lights, blood seeping from sewer grates, and the faint sound of ghostly tomahawk chants every time the team runs a screen pass on 3rd and long. “We’re not worried,” said Commanders owner Josh Harris. “We’re counting on the haunting to confuse opposing quarterbacks. Plus, our fans are already used to decades of cursed football. What’s one more plague?”

Nikola Jokić Laments He's "Not Blessed with Genes for Horse Racing"

Following a historic 61-point triple-double performance that left analysts speechless and defenders dumbfounded, Denver Nuggets star Nikola Jokić used his postgame interview to reflect not on basketball glory — but on his dream deferred: becoming a professional horse jockey. "Basketball is okay, if you're into that sort of thing," Jokić told reporters, still dripping in sweat. "But every time I step on the court, I’m just reminded I’m too tall, too heavy, for the ponies." He paused, looking wistfully into the middle distance. "Growing up, I dreamed I was 4'11", 115 pounds — the ideal size for horse racing." Jokić, who owns several racehorses and regularly spends his summers in Serbia training them, has long harbored aspirations of becoming a harness racing icon. "Sometimes, late at night, I sit in the stable and whisper to the horses," he said solemnly. "I say, ‘It should be me out there, buddy. Not Chad with the goggles and a protein bar.’” When asked if he’d consider racing a Clydesdale to level the playing field, Jokić responded, “No. That would be disrespectful to the Clydesdale.”

Chester Cheetah Opposes Food Dye Ban: Op-Ed

As the longtime face of America’s most culturally significant puffed corn-based snack, I do not often step into the political arena. But in light of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s proposed ban on Red Dye No. 40 and related additives, I must break my silence. This isn’t an attack on synthetic coloring — it’s an attack on identity. The vibrant red hue of a Flaming Hot Cheeto does not occur naturally. It was built — engineered, refined, perfected — by generations of food scientists who believed in a dream: that snacks should not only taste bold, but look like the sun is screaming. The proposed dye ban threatens to erase decades of culinary innovation in favor of supposed health benefits. Red dye isn’t just an ingredient — it’s a lifestyle enhancer. It’s the dust on your fingertips after a long day. It’s the residue on your steering wheel, your gaming controller, your child. It’s the mark of someone who lives fast and snacks faster. Banning it isn’t protecting public health. It’s neutering joy. RFK Jr. may mean well. But he misunderstands the gravity of a food dye ban. Food safety is important, yes. But so is food swagger. And without our dyes, our nation’s snack aisle becomes dull and uninsipring. Flaming Hot Cheetos, a staple of the American teenage diet, would not exist without its distinct and unnatural neon red dust. I shudder to imagine a Cheerio colored Cheeto. I urge regulators, voters, Americans -- stand with me. Stand with crunch. Stand with color. Stand with freedom. In closing, I leave you with this: it's not easy being cheesy — but it's impossible being gray. Chester Cheetah Chief Executive Officer Cheese-Based Lifestyles LLC

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Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site

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Chester Cheetah Opposes Food Dye Ban: Op-Ed