Hat Tans Are Sexy, Claims Attractive Woman Looking to Marry Pro Golfer

Hat Tans Are Sexy, Claims Attractive Woman Looking to Marry Pro Golfer
Cover image for Hat Tans Are Sexy, Claims Attractive Woman Looking to Marry Pro Golfer
By Frankie Beefpile

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — In a bold declaration that’s turning heads on and off the course, local beauty and aspiring WAG (Wives and Golfers) Hall of Famer Madison Blake has declared that hat tans are "undeniably sexy", especially when "paired with a Rolex tan line and mild emotional unavailability."

“It’s not a sunburn,” Madison clarified while sipping a $24 mimosa at the 18th hole lounge. “It’s a lifestyle. It says: I have disposable income, a Callaway endorsement, and just enough facial contrast to make me look rugged in a wedding photo.”

According to sources, Madison recently ended a relationship with an orthodontist after realizing he “only had farmer’s tan energy” and never once referred to his Range Rover as “the courtesy car.” Now she’s on the lookout for a man who wears Titleist visors indoors and lists his sponsors before his kids in conversation.

“I’m not saying I’m gold-digging,” she explained, “but I do find it incredibly arousing when a man smells like sunblock.” When asked if she’d ever considered dating someone on the Korn Ferry Tour, she laughed until her lip filler vibrated. “I said pro golfer. Not... whatever that is.”

Related Articles

Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site

Washington Commanders Buy Indian Burial Ground for New Stadium Site

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move, the Washington Commanders have announced that their new 65,000-seat stadium, set to open in 2030, will be constructed directly atop a long-forgotten Native American burial ground. “We really wanted to honor the history of this site,” said team spokesperson Brent Mallory, while visibly sweating through a vintage R-word throwback hoodie. “And what better way to do that than by parking a retractable-roof stadium right on top of a sacred place where dozens of tribal leaders were laid to rest with dignity and peace — until now.” Archaeologists expressed concerns after early construction unearthed ceremonial artifacts, human remains, and a stone tablet reading “Do Not Build a $700 Million Football Temple Here,” but were quickly escorted off-site by team interns dressed as eagles. Team executives insist the location brings "great spiritual energy," though locals have reported flickering lights, blood seeping from sewer grates, and the faint sound of ghostly tomahawk chants every time the team runs a screen pass on 3rd and long. “We’re not worried,” said Commanders owner Josh Harris. “We’re counting on the haunting to confuse opposing quarterbacks. Plus, our fans are already used to decades of cursed football. What’s one more plague?”

Read more →
New Pope, a "Huge DiCaprio Fan", Chooses Papal Name Leo XIV in Honor of His Favorite Actor

New Pope, a "Huge DiCaprio Fan", Chooses Papal Name Leo XIV in Honor of His Favorite Actor

VATICAN CITY — In a break from centuries of tradition, newly elected Pope Robert Francis Prevost has selected the papal name Leo XIV, citing not a saint or previous pontiff, but instead his “deep and prayerful admiration” for Oscar-winning actor Leonardo DiCaprio. “When I was a humble bishop watching The Revenant on a flight to Peru, I felt something stir in my soul,” the new pope said in his first address to the faithful. “The suffering, the perseverance, the raw grizzly trauma — it reminded me of Lent.” Pope Leo XIV says the name is a tribute to a man he calls “a prophet of our time,” listing Inception, The Aviator, and Catch Me If You Can as “essential texts in the modern catechism of drama.” When asked if the Vatican had considered a more traditional name, the Holy Father shook his head and smiled: “Benedict walked so Leo could yacht. Besides, no one turned water into rosé like The Great Gatsby.” He also confirmed that Vatican robes would “remain white, but with subtle Wolf of Wall Street swagger.” The pope has already invited DiCaprio to the Vatican for a private screening of Shutter Island, followed by “confession, if needed.” While some conservative cardinals have raised eyebrows, Leo XIV remains firm. “Look,” he said, adjusting his papal sash, “if the Lord didn’t want me to honor DiCaprio, He wouldn’t have made him so talented, or so committed to recycling. Blessed are the Method actors, for they shall inherit the Earth.”

Read more →
Jerry Jones Trades for George Pickens, “Generational Diva with Nose for Sideline Drama”

Jerry Jones Trades for George Pickens, “Generational Diva with Nose for Sideline Drama”

DALLAS, TX — In a move that surprised no one but disappointed several team therapists, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has officially traded for wide receiver George Pickens, a player known as much for his explosive talent as for his Instagram mood swings and selective effort levels. “I like a receiver who brings a little theater to the sideline,” Jones told reporters. “If you're not throwing your gloves at a position coach by halftime, are you even competing?” Pickens, who spent the 2023 season alternating between acrobatic catches and passive-aggressively standing still during running plays, fits right into the Cowboys’ decades-long tradition of high-maintenance wideouts. “When I saw that man ignore a key block and then post a cryptic Drake lyric on his story an hour later,” Jones said, misty-eyed, “I knew he was born to wear The Star.” He added, “I don’t want choir boys out there. I want fireworks, deleted tweets, and the constant threat of a locker room podcast.” Cowboys fans are divided, with some praising Pickens’s upside and others nervously reviewing footage of him jogging routes like he’s looking for his keys. But Jones remains confident. “Look, I’ve always believed in raw talent, unpredictability, and just a hint of emotional instability,” he said. “That’s not a red flag — that’s a brand. And in Dallas, brands win championships. Or at least Thanksgiving ratings.”

Read more →